i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize