And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
