White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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