I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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