Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She's the barista slut.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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