I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I need to calm my uterus...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
