Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
