just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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