South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
