So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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