white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
