Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
