god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
