Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
