I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
