if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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