Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
