My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
