i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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