you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
