I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
