remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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