Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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