people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize