Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He felt like a one man threesome
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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