You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
