At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize