remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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