1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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