u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
