so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
