I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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