No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
