I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize