So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
