I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
