and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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