I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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