PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
