Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
