Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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