can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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