hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
