i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
