respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
