the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
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