I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
