Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
