You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
