lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
