I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
