I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize