why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
