Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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