I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
