I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
organizing the empties. That sober.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
